my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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