i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
