Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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