Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
