So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
