youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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