Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
