I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I AM VODKA MAN
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
