The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
