my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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