I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
