I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
