We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
