Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
