We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
