Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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