Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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