I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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