we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
