the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
