i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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