Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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