A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
