my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
