I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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