...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
