The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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