I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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