Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
