Duck Duck Cougar?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
