Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
