so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
