Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Help. Why am I so naked?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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