I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
