It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
