Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
