Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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