Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize