Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
