Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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