remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
