highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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