Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
