it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
