I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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