I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Did I show you my penis last night?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
