either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
