I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
