trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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