I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
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That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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