Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
