hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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