Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
