My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We have so much sex to catch up on
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I forget how to act sober
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
