my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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