i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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