an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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