How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
