so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
