People with herpes should wear stickers.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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