I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
